The Candle of Control

My 96 year old father-in-law has left this earth for heaven.

Caregiving, that mothering instinct, comes naturally to me.  To not be allowed to care physically for my father-in-law in the last month of his life was terrible. Currently, only immediate family, a spouse or child is allowed into to Virginia nursing homes to be with an actively dying person. Since my father in law's room was on the back of the building, where no one could see, the staff allowed me to stand at his opened window that last week of his life in support of my husband as he watched his father slowly slip away. 

The final night was unbelievable as we look back upon it.  Picture this: Temperatures in the thirties and strong winds blowing; me shivering as I tromped in the dark through bushes wearing pink UGG boots, a turtle neck and a fuzzy vest; stepping over tree roots and black plastic above ground drainage pipes I was counting windows to get to the right room of this nursing home facility.  Looking in the window where my masked husband sat in a folding metal chair watching his father, who had been non-repsonsive for days, we prayed together for this man who longed for his last breath.

I would lean down to speak words of release to this man through a crack in the bottom of an open window, while sounds of the highway buzzed behind me. At one point we had to take out the screen in the window for me to take my husband's phone to the car to charge.  Playing "I'll Fly Away" had drained the battery.  

https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video?fr=iphone&p=fly+to+jesus+and+live#id=1&vid=d30f25c16354aaca2ad7078cb7ffc04f&action=click

The real test came about 3 hours into the visit the last night when I had to go to the bathroom and I realized there was no store, restaurant, or home that would allow me in to use their facilities. I don’t think any of us will forget the ways life changed for us in 2020.

Opening my Prayer Mate app in the middle of that night, a devotional popped up with this question..."Where might you need to simply put down the candle of control and just open up the drapes to what God has already dawned? Pulling back those blinds will radiate light on our most gripping fears, our darkest sin, and our stubborn pride. Hope is rising?  Will you go out to meet it?"

Oh, my. It had been a week of facing things I absolutely had no control over.  My stubborn pride had me thinking if I could get in there I could persuade the administration to allow hospice in and they could make this process better by make my father in law more comfortable.  The doctor was not even allowed into the facility!  

Gripping me was the reality of fear. The fear that I would never want to die in these circumstances and I hoped I'd never have to watch another person suffer like this.  My darkest sin...that my actions were radiating to others that I did not think God was sufficient to handle this situation and work it for good.

The same devotional held this prayer:
"Father, You are good, and You are perfect. There is nothing errant about your agenda, your ways, or your timing. The errors are within us. We struggle to understand. We struggle to believe. We struggle to do right. We struggle to remain faithful.  We struggle to surrender. Holy Spirit, our Counselor, help us to come to the end of ourselves and all of our striving for control, to pull back those drapes and let the Sun of Righteousness illuminate our lives with hope, peace, and renewal. Bring us into holy and humble submission, we pray in Jesus' name. Amen.

There are always lessons to learn.

Today's coloring page promise: "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of distress; and He knows those who take refuge in Him."  Nahum 1:7